Soulful Greetings!
It’s a surreal experience to be sitting on the deck of our local ski resort observing colorfully clad people of all ages happily gliding down the mountain on this beautiful and relatively warm first day of February while I struggle with the core issues on my mind of life, loss and love.
I appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face and the opportunity to sit outdoors while enjoying a slice of warm pizza as I write this post in this extreme winter climate at 9400 feet. My chest physically aches as it has for almost seven months and my heart feels fragile as I contemplate this new year without my daughter.
Life provides so many reminders of her absence and the fact that life will never be the same. My upcoming birthday in a matter of days has prompted much anxiety, sadness and tears as I anticipate feeling her loss acutely on that day.
In previous years when my birthday month rolled around I would begin to feel a surge of joyfulness and love combined with gratitude and blessings of a new year full of promise with wonderful new experiences ahead of me. This year my birthday brings with it a sense of dread unlike any other I have experienced before.
It’s not like I haven’t experienced trauma, disappointment or loss in my life that is felt deeply on holidays and anniversaries because I have experienced great loss in my life. When a loved one is missing from our life during those special times when communication in the way of calls, cards, gifts and visits are greatly appreciated and cherished we may be left with only sentimental memories giving us reason to pause as we notice the emptiness their absence leaves within us.
After lunch I stroll about the base area hotel lobby admiring the gallery walls before stepping into a coffee shop known for its homemade chai, I chat with a friend behind the counter and realize the ownership has changed and my favorite spicy chai is no longer available. My spirit sinks even lower and I sigh heavily as I walk out trying not to let this further deflate my energy and mood.
I am fully aware that the entire point in my caring husband’s idea to drop me off at the ski area today was to improve my outlook but I am finding it a struggle to keep a balanced view when my heart feels so heavy. I must therefore depend on the beautiful yet chilly walk home to be uplifting by it’s pure movement of energy, time and space. And so it is.
Upon arriving home I am greeted by several packages that were just delivered, a beautiful flowering plant and a bottle of wine from my husband who thoughtfully intervenes to alleviate my sadness and re-direct my emotions toward a positive reality with reasons to celebrate another birthday in joy.
Peace & Love,
Nancy Yuskaitis
